The Grief Process Continues

I wanted to use this blog to discuss some of the stages of grief, of which I am still going through. 

The Process

Having a tiny bit of training in the social work field, I have been made aware of what grieving looks like, what to expect during the grieving process, and how to best comfort someone who is going through this. That said, I never expected to need to fall back on these lessons for myself. Additionally, "knowing" what the process looks like, or is supposed to look like, and being able to accept the process for ones self is definitely two very different sides of the same coin, so to speak. Being where I am now, and taking into consideration the crazy, and unrealistic way of the world right now, at least in the state I live in currently, I would like to be able to take a walk with a friend, and discuss how I am feeling. This is normal for someone going through the grieving process, and it helps to have someone to "lean on" in the difficult situation that going through the process brings on. However, until such time as my state lifts all the fear based limited way it is operating, or I move to another state, I myself am limited as to what resources I can use to move this energy. So far, I have experienced most of the process other than the last stage, acceptance. I have for sure been dealing with on going denial and anger. I might have even went through some depression early on, as I am feeling better, physically, and emotionally now. I believe I might have even experienced some of the bargaining of the process, but I can firmly attest that I am in no way accepting loosing my buddy just yet. I am playing around with the idea from day to day, but being stuck where I am, physically, and not being able to move right away brings on a whole different aspect of the process. Because I cared for my buddy for over ten years, there are many memories that I have of him doing certain things, and ways he would react if I did a specific task, say opening a can of chicken. Just thinking about these tasks, and memories can bring up emotions. So, That's where I am currently with my own process and dealing with it. 

For more information on the stages, read the following article - 

https://psychcentral.com/lib/the-5-stages-of-loss-and-grief/ 

Dealing With The Community

In addition to still having to deal with my own personal grieving, I am also having to deal with the continued asinine "logic" of the politics that is being used to propagate the idea of staying home and staying safe. At least in the state I live in. Luckily, I am able to travel an hour in two different ways and be in states that are fully opened. I use the option of traveling to change my scenery every little while so I can get out of my house, and stop feeling so depressed, and empty. However, being out in the community brings on another level of frustration from the "puppets" I see walking around with face gags on just "following orders" without even questioning anything. So, at times, because of how the world is right now, and how I am still processing all of my emotions, I feel somewhat "volatile" when I go out, and see all the people falling in line believing the propaganda hook, line, and sinker. Obviously, this is not an ideal situation for me, but I do my best to cope and take it one step at a time. 

Another Issue To Take On

To add to everything else that I have already discussed, I have to add trying to find a job, and working on my resume to the list. This has also been a frustrating and somewhat emotional time for me. From "graduating", which we didn't actually do, IE: no ceremonial walk across stage, to being a first gen student in a four year university, to putting myself out there in a totally different field for my new career, it's been a very stress filled time in my life. I'm happy that I did graduate, and to have a diploma to prove it, but again, because of the propaganda that most of society is still buying into, my entire graduation and celebration was wrecked. Now, and forever more, I will be connected to the class of 2020, and I'm sure history will record my class as one of the most difficult to have been a part of because of everything that happened. 

I hold to the hope that some day, one day soon, everything will get back to "normal". However, if I say "I can't wait for everything to get back to normal" out in the community, everyone has been so programmed to believe, and accept where we are now as the "new norm" that inevitably, someone will say "oh, this IS the new normal". Then I get all frustrated again, and feel the need to remove myself from the situation. 

At any rate, I hope that you and yours are doing well, and continue to push against the establishment, and it's propaganda based "official narrative". 

I will leave you with this quote today: Think for yourself, or others will think for you without thinking of you. - Henry David Thoreau 

D

The Grieving Process Of Loss Continues

Not What I Planned

The process of working through my loss is still under way. I did not plan this blog to be so focused on what I am going through personally right now, however, it's possible that what I am posting for all to read may one day help someone, somewhere that knows exactly how I feel, and will read my words, and appreciate that I have shared them. To that end, I will continue to share as I am able.

Physical Effects Of Grief

As I am continuing this process, I have noticed other physical experiences manifest to a degree. So, I did a web search and learned that when one has a traumatic loss in their lives of a beloved family member, or anyone whom they loved whole heartedly, they will most times experience more than just the emotions of grief, sadness, anger, and loss. They may also experience some physical things that manifest into their lives because of the loss itself. The loss of appetite, thus not eating, sleeping more then normal, not being as active, etc. I have experienced some of this myself, and I wasn't sure if it was something that was happening with my body, or if it was something I was experiencing because of the loss I am dealing with. I do what I can to be gentle with myself, but even now, almost two full months after I lost my buddy, I am still struggling to find any positive outlook on life daily. This is normal, as per the training that I had in my social work classes, but I did not expect my loss to hit me so hard, or last this long.

To learn more about other potential symptoms one might go through when grieving a loss, you can check this web site and read the article.

How to Cope With the Physical Effects of Grief

Empty Feeling Still Around

Something that seems to be a constant companion of mine on this journey is the empty feeling I have, which could be attributed to my buddy no longer being here physically, but the empty feeling goes beyond the physical. Every day I wake up, and most days I go over in my mind, if I should even get out of bed. When my buddy was still here, I had to get up and feed him his breakfast, which would get my day of to a start. There was a structure to my life that I enjoyed, that is no longer there. Me and the Christed Buddha had a beneficial arrangement that worked very well for the both of us. I cared for him, physically, emotionally, psychologically, and he cared for me, in many of the same ways. There is a belief that states that our beloved pets remain after they have crossed over. Their energy, if you will, remains to help us humans to cope with their loss. I have not experienced this myself, which could be why I feel so empty, and directionless most days. The feeling of being numb to the world fits me very well where I am on my path right now.

The Process Will End

Eventually I know things will improve, but I'm not sure exactly when that will be. Again, I'm doing my best not to rush the process, as every individual experiences this differently. But, right now, in this moment, I am ready to not feel so sad, and empty, and not having a direction. I want to feel happy, and be able to appreciate the beauty of the world once again... some day soon.

Until next blog, thank you for your visiting with me, and your comments.

D

P.S. Here is another article written for those whom have lost their pets.

Bereavement: Grief After The Loss of A Pet

Dark Night Of The Soul

Dark Night Of The Soul

Today I will take you down the path that I have been on for the past month and some change. The path to the dark night of the soul is one of loss, and grief. As you well know, I have recently lost a very close soul to me in my beloved pet of more then 10 years. When I was first made aware of the situation in which he was in, I was immediately thrown into the decision making responsibility, which put his life into my hands. This process automatically started a chain reaction in my life, which lead me to embarking on the journey into the dark night of the soul. This path is rife with sadness, anger, grief, rage, disappointment, denial, and disbelief. As I worked my way through these emotions, I started out with sadness, and disbelief. In fact, I am still dealing with these right now. The impact they have on my life isn't as pronounced, but they are still my daily companions. Next for me in the process came anger, with some rage sprinkled in there. I am still also dealing with this one, and it comes on all of a sudden, and I have to honor the grieving process, so I do my best to allow this to happen as naturally as possible. However, sometimes this tears me down, in that moment. For me, the next stop was disbelief, and disappointment. These came to me as a pair, and I had to deal with the fact that my buddy, the Buddha, was gone, permanently. That still hurts for me to see, but I know that it's a fact now. So, that's how my journey has been so far. Keep in mind that not everyone will have the same journey. Your departure onto the path of the dark night of your soul may look a lot different then mine. However, some common themes to keep in mind will be sadness, deep sorrow, and the disbelief of what is happening. Something else that I forgot to mention is the empty feeling that I have felt almost since day one post Buddha. The feeling of emptiness in myself, and my house. Actually, my entire life feels empty now because of the loss I have suffered.

What Do I Do Now?

At this point in the process, if you have ever been through a loss, or go through one in the future, you will be wondering, ok, now what? Rightly so. To be honest, there is no "easy way" to get to the end of this type of a process. Loss and grief needs time to be processed, and you need time to heal. Both physically, and psychologically. There is no "right way" or "wrong way" to go through this type of experience. It just kind of happens the way it's supposed to. For me, I journaled A LOT, in the first few weeks of my loss. Along with this journaling was a huge amount of shedding tears. I can't remember the last time that I cried so much, or for so long. Keep in mind that if you are going through a loss like this, that you need to allow yourself to experience the process as much as possible. It's not going to be easy, and yes it will hurt deep inside. But going through the process, and getting onto the path that leads to the dark night of the soul is the only way to the end point of the healing process. So, what you do now is what comes natural to you, as in individual. Whatever works, FOR YOU.

When Will This Pain Go Away? 

This is one of the hardest parts to go through when someone is experiencing loss, and going through the path of recovery. The pain one feels comes from deep inside. It almost feels like it's coming from somewhere so deep within that it's difficult to imagine ever being able to feel "normal" again. This part is highly dependent on how much "work" the individual is willing to do with themselves, and how often they are able to dive deep into the emotions that this part involves. Again, this is unique to each individual, and will differ for every person. Thus, what may take me six months to go through in my healing process may take someone else only two months. But keep in mind that you must work through the pain in order for it to dissipate.

All Better In The End

Finally, at the end of this process, which I am not at yet, there is the obvious change that one will experience when they get up in the morning. For the first time in a long time, they may feel happy. Or they may actually WANT to do something. They may feel drawn to go see a friend they have not talked to in months. This part is one of the best parts of the dark night of the soul journey. So, if you happen to be going through this process right now, understand that there are others out there that know what you are experiencing. Understanding that they will have a different path then you, but there will be an understanding that they can have that even some of your closest family members may not have to offer you.

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Until next entry,

D

Finding The Silver Lining

Finding the rainbow in times of #loss can be a challenge. Especially when you have lost someone, or something that seems to have made your life complete. However, at the end of the grieving process, things start to slowly, VERY slowly, start to look positive once again.

As I am beginning to emerge from the cave of sorrow, things are starting to look bright once again. I am slowly starting to smile, slowly "caring" about what happens in the world again, and slowly, ever so slowly, getting used to the idea of my buddy not being here, on this plane of existence to share his life with me any more. I still have my good days and my not so good days, but I do my best to trust the process and let the healing, regardless of how long it may take, take it's course.

Getting to the point of feeling "normal" once again is a chore, and it will be some time before I am able to honestly say that I feel "normal". However, every day is an opportunity for me to get out into the world, even during these crazy times, and practice being a human being once again. For those of you who may have lost a beloved pet, you understand where I am coming from. For those that do not understand how attached to your heart an animal can be, give it time. One day there will be one that you feel is more family then just a "pet".

As I continue to journey down this path, stay tuned to learn more about where I will end up once I get a position in the radio industry, which is what my degree is in. In the mean time, I am taking every day one step at a time, and being as gentle with myself as I can. It's not easy, but I'm doing my best.

Until next time,

Dan

Two Universal Truths

My Buddy - The Christed Buddha

As we are going through these times of challenging uncertainty, there are two things that have been put onto my path recently. These two universal truths that are my ever present companion are change and loss.

As if being on this planet right now, and having to endure the times that we are in were not enough, some of us have had to endure more. I myself had to experience a loss of major proportions recently. An unexpected, and shocking situation that came out of nowhere. This experience was the necessity of putting my cat to sleep. Understand that this was not "just my pet". He was my buddy, my support, and my companion in life. I rescued him when I was living in Charlotte, over ten years ago, and we learned to live with one another relatively easily. He was in every part of my life, and as a veteran, helped me through more times than I can count because of my need to isolate sometimes from the civilian world.

It's been just over two weeks now since I had to let my buddy the Buddha go, and there are still emotions that come up for me to deal with. Again, in order to understand where I am coming from, you have to be able to know that a pet can sometimes be like a family member, or possibly something more. I sometimes thought that we may have even been soul family, and that I had a "clause" in my contract that I signed before I chose to manifest in this particular life time that said something to the effect that "you will find and care for one another to the best of your ability".

I have to say that I am still taken a back somewhat at the bond that I developed with my buddy. It's amazing to me to think that one can become so attached to an animal, which filled more space in my life then just being a pet.

So, as we all continue to maneuver through these times, remember that there may be those others out in society that have had to endure more hardship then you can understand at this particular time, and try and have a little compassion for them. As they may be very sad, and feel like their world is being unraveled before them.

Be safe, and remember to always question the "official narrative".